How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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