i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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