Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
