he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
