apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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