i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
