Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
