I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
