If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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