happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
