I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
