my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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