I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
