I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't deserve a penis
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
