u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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