i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
