That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
