ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
