I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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