someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
