Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
