Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
