i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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