Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
