What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
