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My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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