I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
