His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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