They should really pass out barf bags in church
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
