so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
