i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
