Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
