They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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