I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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