I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
