so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
