So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
