it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm at about main and main street
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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