I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
