she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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