Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
