I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
