I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
