I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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