You smell like stripper and shame
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
