smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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