I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
