Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
