I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
is wine microwaveable?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
