i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
