Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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