I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
please don't ironically join a cult
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